clever harry.

"Watch what people are cynical about, and one can often discover what they lack."

--Harry Emerson Fosdick

harry was a clever guy. i don't agree with all that he supported or lead, but some i do. and whether or not i agree with any of it, i can at least acknowledge that he is a very clever harry. a very clever harry indeed.

cynicism isn't a good thing. i'll rarely be so absolute in my statements (the fruit of being a psych major--you qualify everything you say with "usually," "often," or something equivalent), but i feel bold enough at this moment about this particular point that i'll just go hog wild. webster defines a cynic as "a faultfinding captious critic; especially: one who believes that human conduct is motivated wholly by self-interest." "captious" being "marked by an often ill-natured inclination to stress faults and raise objections." honest, practical, pragmatic, realistic--these are the vessels or reasoning that, often, cynicism will use to present itself. the fact is, you can be honest, practical, pragmatic, and realistic without being cynical. it's the difference between "we've poor odds" and "don't bother trying" or "i haven't had the best experiences in dating" and "screw dating."

i'm a cynic at times. depending on subject and timing, i certainly can have a cynical streak as i suppose many of us can. i guess it depends on when and where you talk to me--but if you know me well, you probably don't even need to. either way, like harry pointed out, it's typically an absence of something, and i'll add negative experiences, that lead to cynicism.

this being the case, i think just about every person i know has "discover[ed] what [i] lack" already.



logically, though, i can't seem to make the connection that this means one can see what a person is optimistic about, and see what they have. my best conclusion is that an optimist is a person who may or may not have a lack in a given area, but fails to see the point in being a cynic about it, and sees the value of positive outlook.
in some areas i'm quite the optimist. in others, eh, not so much. but according to the logic i've pieced together--that's very stupid. i should just be an optimist.

--trace

the scientific method.

so. as many of you know, i was hoping to go to med school. and to be fair, i'm not completely dismissing the idea. however, this last semester has taught me something invaluable--i hate the "hard" sciences. just to clarify, that doesn't mean the challenging sciences, that means things that don't involve people, essentially. psychology, for instance, is often considered a "soft" science. well soften me up, folks, for if soft be psychologists, soft i hope to be. and while the idea of being a medical doctor does still has it's appeal... well, read on.

here's the thing. this semester was an experiment of sorts. the scientific method basically states that to test something, you should make a hypothesis and run the test to see how it goes. simple enough. this semester, i hypothesized that i'd be able to not only learn to beat my science courses, but that i'd learn to enjoy them. my hypothesis was based in my success, my results are based in defeat.

now, another important part of interpreting results that most people (including myself) don't learn until a bit after elementary school science is the idea of the null hypothesis. here's the example, compliments of nassim nicholas taleb. if you do a study to prove there are only white swans in the world, you can never be sure, really. the reason is there may always be a little black swan hidden away in an old man's basement somewhere, completely defying your theory (side note, there are black swans). therefore, certain phraseology is used to ensure that honesty and operational definitions are present. to assume there is no difference or your variable of choice is present(ie, there is no black swan, i don't want to be a doctor) is called 'the null hypothesis.' therefore, if we find a black swan (or find that through my classes i want to be a doctor), we would reject the null hypothesis, as it is not the case (in cases with numbers, this is done statistically, of course). however, if we do not find this to be the case, we cannot simply accept the null. you'll remember the old man with the black swan. you never really know. so instead of saying, "yes, we embrace the null. it's true." we fail to reject the null hypothesis. thus saying that as far as we can tell, the null holds true.

this semester, as pertaining to my wanting to go to med school, i found no black swans. i failed to reject the null. that means that as far as the time being is concerned, i don't especially want to be a doctor. that being said, there are errors that can play into things, of course. but i can honestly say that after this semester of dealing with chemistry again, hating biology, and finding the only bright spot in my week being my psychological testing class, that the null was pretty heavily enforced.

so next semester i'll be taking a sabbatical from all classes outside of psychology, and i'm quite excited. i'll be doing nothing but psych all day as far as academics is concerned, and i'm thrilled about it. the way i see it, next semester's null will be that i don't want to go into psychology as a professional field. i'm sincerely hoping to find a black swan.

and on a sidenote, over thanksgiving break i got to paint my nephews' and one of my niece's faces in the likeness of kiss. it's not really associated at all with the rest of my post, but still cool enough that i'm sharing it.

boom.

irish washerwoman.

so, it's been over a month since the last post. you know what that means, if you're a regular here. time for me to give a brief recap of anything interesting that's happened over the last little while. a bit of content and not a lot of depth. i'm sure you don't mind. 

first of all, i've started learning the mandolin. i came into contact with it jamming with my pal jordan who had a mandolin by way of one friend winning it in a raffle, trading it with another friend for credit toward a bass guitar, and that friend giving it to jordan. and for now, jordan is borrowing my acoustic guitar and i'm borrowing his mandy. good stuff. i'm really enjoying how much character the thing has. jigs were never such fun to play.

the next big time investment has been trace's nerdy  game. basically a card game designed for a player to be able to play and customize in infinite directions. i'd bother trying to explain it, but really i should be writing the rules if i'm doing anything with it since i think i still have people waiting for me to get some on paper. so there. if you'd like to see some of the card designs that i've done, here you go. i'll probably do a proper post about that sometime soon. i'm sure you don't mind not seeing it now.

other than that, work and school, work and school. always a good time. besides the fact that i hate calculus and it hates me. i'm quite looking forward to winter semester. i'm taking a sabbatical from science courses and taking strictly psychology to see how i feel about the med school track. my biggest concern is the fact that i was taking biology earlier this semester, but i dropped it because it worked like a four credit hour class when it was only two hours. but on top of that, i just did not at all enjoy the material. and i'm thinking to myself, "man, this phage and cellular respiration garbage isn't very cool. and... this is a big part of medicine. interesting..." so we'll see. i've definitely made no solid plans, but i may be running back to psychology as a career path and opting for graduate school over med school. we'll see. you know i'll be posting on that later anyway.

and i'm sure your curious why there are no pictures in this post.

simply put, my parents bought a mac recently, and macs and i don't get along so well, and i can't be bothered. i'd rather just deal with no pictures in this one. and if scott happens to read this, no. i'm still not swayed. if anything, my time with my parent's mac makes me love windows even more. so there.

see you later with a post that probably won't come for another little while. 'til then, enjoy the season. i'm off to sword fight with jimmy.

eating time and changing minds.

yeah yeah yeah... we all know i get a bit gung-ho about things without really thinking them over. for those unaware, click on the picture above for a history, but i was planning on joining the air force rotc for reasons listed already in that post, so i won't bother repeating them.

well, as part of my prep for applying, i needed to create a graduation plan. whether or not i join the rotc, i'll realistically be graduating in the year 2012. which is sort of depressing in a way seeing as it's 2009, but we'll let that slide. especially since i plan on a lot more schooling past my undergrad. so here's the deal. with the rotc, i'd be able to do so sometime during that summer, and i'd be scraping by with the very minimum of my science credits. also, i wouldn't actually be finishing them until after i took the mcat, which is basically a sort of act for med school. now, i don't mean to sound like a pessimist, but i cannot realistically think that after no science courses really and minimal experience with algebra and physics that i would stand a breath of a chance at that exam.

so.

i went in and spoke to the pre-med advisers who backed up my thinking that it's not worth putting prep for mcat on the chopping block for rotc credentials, but to instead use all the classes to my prep and get my experience for applications elsewhere where they won't take up class hours. that's what i'll be doing.

it should be noted that i still want to join the air force one day. i still want to go through the air force for med school. this is still very possible. from what i understand you basically need to be competitive for med school in general, and you'll have a good shot for getting in to the air force program.


and in addition to all of this, my gpa was rooting me on as it will be easier to keep up good grades when i have classes to worry about that go towards the mcat as opposed to classes that have me studying air force business and then having to study mcat stuff separately.

so there. i know you're probably disappointed i won't have to keep my hair even shorter than byu standards (which, let's be honest, i could really work on), and believe me i'll miss not getting to twirl around guns like on the armed forces commercials. you're probably also disappointed this post wasn't very entertaining, but it seems my posts are getting more and more like that. you can excuse them being such by focusing on the graphics at the top.

facing books and rotcen meat.

hello again. this post is meant as an explanation as well as a brief update. as you may have noted from other sources, i have for the time being, closed (or soon will) my facebook account. i'll be taking a sabbatical for a yet undecided period of time. it may last until the beginning of the new fall semester, the end of it, perhaps the end of march 2010, or maybe it will never be opened again. the last is doubtful, but possible just the same.

there are several reasons for this, but the only one i'll mention for now is the fact that i've decided to enroll in the air force rotc program here at byu. this normally wouldn't have much of an effect (at least the effect it does now) because it's intended to be done over a time span that would grant two years of preparation before your fate is decided by a board as to whether or not you'll be endorsed as a pre-med and eventual med school student (which is my objective). but i, being a late bloomer, have started later than most, and as a result, must take all of the required courses in one semester, ace my classes, up my personal fitness level substantially, get to know my commanding officers in six months to make up for a year and a half, and prepare like mad for the entry exams (i'll only have one shot at them before i'm reviewed) before the end of fall semester. and facebook is problematic in the amount of time i use it. and for those of you who may whine at this, take comfort in knowing that facebook isn't the only thing on the chopping block.

so, what remains to be done before fall's beginning is complete the application, study for the entrance exam, as well as prepare for the semester ahead by beginning on my chem/anatomy studies to ensure my gpa is raised. likewise raising my personal fitness to meet and hopefully exceed standards set by my peers. which makes me wish to note that if there is one thing that i'm not looking forward to with the program, it's being ranked against my peers. i know it's how things work in the world, but it's still not as pleasant to realize your buddy from class and so on is potentially your reason you didn't get in, or that you're likewise his reason. but oh well, if i don't sabotage anyone's plans or efforts i can't say i'll have a heavy conscience if i proceed while they do not. anyway, that's the big reason. if you're reading this, chances are you already have another way to contact me. if not, check my profile and you'll find a link to my e-mail address. feel free to use it.

ripping off jfk.

a friendly hello to you all. this post is one of these "what's going on in my life" posts, so feel free to skip it if you'd rather not bother reading it. no offense taken.

so, as some readers may know, over the last year or so i've begun to fulfill pre-requisites for applying to med school. if you haven't spoken to me in a while about anything pertaining to education, you probably are a bit lost. shortly put, some sort of fundamental change occurred in which my goals drastically altered from seeking to be a librarian or dramaturg to setting my sights on psychology--which is my current major--and then panning to the right to land on medicine. it's pretty crazy. if you want to know anything about this, just look up anything with the tag of "chemistry" or "anatomy" and it should fill you in.

moving along, i recently spoke with a coworker who's prepping to go to dental school about chemistry and the requirements for schooling in just about any medicinal discipline. it turns out that if you tack one three credit hour course to my load, i'll have a chemistry minor. so what does this mean? i'm now registered as in process of obtaining a chem minor. now, i'm only beginning this path. and if any of you have been around this blog for a while, you'll note i really did hate the subject as of winter semester. however, i'm determined to make this happen. for one reason, if i bother taking all these classes and then not get into med school, i'll make blasted sure that i get something for all the effort. for the second, and the far more noble reason, we'll go to Former President John F. Kennedy as he spoke on putting a man on the moon.

"We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not only because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others, too."
(find the full text here)

in context, it may be something like this for me.

"i choose to minor in chemistry. i choose to minor in chemistry before i graduate and complete all my other required courses not because they are enjoyable, but because they are a bit of a pain (but good for me), because doing so will prove to myself that i pummeled and have gained rule over this subject and others, make me be more productive and spend less time on facebook to better utilize my time and effort, because i'm going to build up the guts and patience to do it, because getting into med school is a challenge i am willing to accept, will need to postpone for now but will begin preparing for, and which i intend to absolutely obliterate, leaving a trail of brilliance in my wake. a goal i intend to achieve, and others too."

and thus my further pilgrimage to academic nerdery continues. wish me luck, i'll need it. hope you're all doing wonderful. i'll try to post again soon. like always. so it might be a while.

when storms seem to be staring.

the midterm nightmare period of the last two weeks is finally over. and thank goodness.

i'm currently in what you could equate to the eye of a storm. the current two weeks are void of any tests, papers, or group projects. one half of the storm has passed over, we're the placid center now, awaiting the second half of the storm to come and throw the oak tree behind my apartment three streets over.

the interesting thing is, it doesn't seem to be one big clump. almost as if this eye was actually two eyes which have met, and will cross and then continue with their respective storms. please see the diagram on the left.



it's clear here that the respective storms have individual courses and only meet by happen stance. however, this happenstance is going to be extremely satisfying as it means for once i can actually study all my class subjects rather than simply studying for each one for two days prior to exams.


you also note that it kind of looks like the storm is staring.






and now i have time to make stupid diagrams for a blog. hooray!

dinitrogen trioxide.

so... another day, another two weeks since i've taken the time to put anything up on the ol' pig pen blogwash. anyway, time to act as if that never happened.

i've decided that the key to happiness, or at least absence of aggravation, is essentially the delay of affect or knowledge of affect. this seems to be the case at least as a student right now.

i'm by no means seeking to convince anybody that you should forget consequences in order to paint a picture of a more pleasant reality. instead, it's sort of a method for dealing with really frustrating situations.

example.
testing is part of education. fair enough.
you know (or remember) the really annoying feeling of reading a question, knowing the answer is somewhere inside your huge skull, and still putting the wrong answer simply because you can't seem to claw it out? yeah. i have that somewhat frequently. now, if i hear the answer to such questions within hours of taking the test, i'll be aggravated. within a day or two, annoyed. past that, i can view it subjectively. or as close to it as i'll ever be, i suppose.

the reason i bring this up is because i used this exact same method on friday after a chemistry test. we'll see how i did soon enough. but the story goes something like this--

friday, at three forty-five, i enter the testing center after studying for a few hours. i bring with me a packet of cookies, three mechanical pencils, and a sheet of graph paper for notes and pencil work. i recieve my test, solubility chart, and bubble sheet and head for the first left-hand-friendly desk i can find.

test begins. i work on the first ten problems for half an hour. fifty questions to go with two and a half hours left before i need to turn it in. now, the first ten i had a fair grasp of. it was tricky, but most of the answers options i picked had perfectly matched the answer i came to. around question eleven, that changed. and so it went. i decided instead of taking forever on each one, i'd blaze throught the ones i already knew. and i did. maybe half the test was "easy" stuff i could quickly recall. as for the rest, i took a break before i started. i'd been there an hour and a half by the time i had completed all the stuff i knew.

cookie break.

the sun that had been peaking in the window and pouring on my desk at the beginning had since migrated to the next row over and my wrist was cramping. it's strange though, after the cookies, the testing center took on a different feeling. at first enterance, it's an opponenent. something to beat. as your test continues, it becomes a tyrant--something you must submit to or conquer. but when you've been there for a few hours, your eating a cookie, and you have a few moments to take in atmosphere of pencil lead and fluttering papers, it becomes a sort of friend. not one you'd want to hang out with, more the kind of friend that offers a shoulder to cry on. it's almost as if he would rather you didn't have to be there, but since you do, he's going to try to keep you as comfortable as he can.

but i digress.

when the cookies were gone, i continued on. this is where educated and non educated guessing came into play much more than before. either way, within another hour's time, i had completed the exam. entrance time: 15:45. exit time: 18:30. it was quite a trip.

and now on the the point.
you see, i don't know how i did on that test. they have a tv screen when you leave that will tell you, but i decided not to look. now, i still don't know, but it's something that i can't change now. so why let it ruin my weekend?
i have an anatomy mid-term on monday, and i think i'll check my chem score after that. we'll see how i did on a chemistry test after i take an anatomy exam and hope the edge is worn off if the grade is poor.

and so, my idea of a delay equalling a lack of aggrivation will possibly be put to the test.

i suppose we'll see.