Tuesday, June 23, 2009

lessons learned in the nations captiol.

hello everybody. you may have noticed that the blog's been a bit barren as of late.

mark williams certainly did (and my thanks for his devoted reading--what a wonderful cheerleader he is).

anyway, this is because for the last bit of time i've been visiting my father who's working in washington dc for a few months. the trip was very enjoyable, and i decided to share some of the adventures i had and the lessons i learned. but not in that order.

i'll first give lessons learned since they all have associated experiences, and then the experiences that didn't really have a morals to their stories, ju
st novelty. and since there's a lot, they'll be split into two parts. this is part one.

welcome to washington dc!
(part one)
political hotspot and tourist attraction to boot!

to preface, i spent about a week here altogether. i went to most of the standard tourist sites including the government buildings, smithsonians, and other hotspots. the humidity was higher than i prefer, but bearable, and the only camera i bothered with was my cell phone. with these things in mind, i now present my lessons learned in washington dc (and the travels surrounding it).

lesson one.
even if you are on a special tour, you still might not be as clever as you think.
the national archives contains several documents of immense importance. these include the magna carta, declaration of Independence, bill of rights, and of course the constitution of the usa. the line demands you wait for at least an hour, and when you get in there you still probably have to wait to see the actual documents.
well, we were in front of a large student group. each document is in a protective case in a big rotunda with gold emblazoned titles above each item etched into the stone walls. as one of the school girls approached the constitution and practically licked the glass in front of it, she looked to the security guard and asked, "hey. what is that?"


lesson two.
short shorts are like scissors.
when scissors are used safely and wisely cutting thread or curling ribbons, they are useful indeed. however, attempting to juggle or run with scissors carries serious potential injuries. a similar phenomenon is seen with short shorts. while some people can use them wisely and enjoy good ventilation and please many of those around them, not all use them wisely.
here in utah, short shorts are not so common for both environmental and cultural reasons. with both of the reasons absent, dc has a much larger amount. both wisely and unwisely used.
i won't get into detail here, but suffice it to say that short shorts abused will result in gauged eyes, just like scissors. the difference is usually just whether or not it's intentional.

lesson three.
if you match, you're happier.
and i don't mean with yourself. i mean with others. somewhere between protesters, school groups, families and couples all matching their peers, i started to feel a little left out.

i think this couple is one of the most charming examples. look closely, though the picture, granted, is grainy.
whether this couple was going for practicality, high fashion, comfort or raw sex appeal, it worked on all accounts. these z-coil shoes make their mark.
several schools also were excellent examples though i'm lacking a photo. my personal favorite uniform pieces were shoulder strap refelective belts, bright red womens visors (note: worn by elementary school children, not women), and id necklaces introducing each member of the tour and the company sponsoring it. and of course, there is always having every student wear a certain kind of shirt. however, this was to a degree unnessecary because if able to choose their own shirts, they typically wore the same rhine stone encrusted t-shirts of president obama with "hope", "change", or "gobama!" written in bold lettering.

lesson four
celebrities look like secret agent.
for those who don't believe me, i don't care.
at the smithsonian museum of air and space, they have a planetarium. i attended one show there. as i waited in line, right before the doors opened, a man with a beard, big sunglasses, and a black fadora hopped in at the end of the line. the ticket man laughed, shook his hand, and let him pass after he gave him his ticket. the suspicous man looked familiar.
after the show, i saw him again in the gift store downstairs. further feeling as if i'd seen him before, i looked at him from the side while he waited in line to purchase his 'jr. spaceman' outfit. it was none other than october sky heartthrob, jake gyllenhaal. he purchased his outfit and left the store. i was going to attempt to get a photo, but decided that i wouldn't as i couldn't do so without looking like a complete jerk. however, upon contacting an expert on all things gyllenhaal (lindsay harding), i confirmed that he indeed had a beard and was working in the dc area.

boom. celebrities look suspicous. at least when they're at museums. they don't want anyone to know they're being so nerdy, i guess.

lesson five.
neither i, nor jimmy seely, are as fat as a whale.

lesson six
everyone wants to sing
somewhere between a street vendor, guards, school kids, people on the metro, people behind food counters, me, and some of the exhibits of washington singing a tune, it was proven to me that everyone wants to sing. if you don't sing, you're just holding yourself back. if you think you don't want to sing, you think wrong.

lesson seven
you're probably the weirdo
no matter where you go or what you're doing, if there's a lot of people, you're going to think that some of them are weirdos, and some people are going to think that you're a weirdo. it's just the nature of things.

for every person i saw that i was inclined to stare at for any reason, i almost always saw them staring at someone, or someone else staring at them, or someone else staring at me, or the weird person staring at me. what does this all show? yes, they're a weirdo, and you're probably somebody else's weirdo. it's a big cycle (see diagram).
this can be applied on many levels, but i'm sticking to the simplest and just keeping it there. so next time you're inclined to stare at the gentlemen in the combat boots and khaki shorts (a personal favorite), just remember that someone else probably thinks your plaid shorts and high tops are just as bizarre.

there are more, and maybe one day i'll record them. for now, i think i've written enough though. thanks for reading. hopefully more soon. more soon at least about other adventures (without lessons) from dc. hope you learned something.

and i hope williams is satisfied.


  1. You are always going to regret not buying the rhinestone Obama t-shirt.
    D.C. ---- nice place to visit but wouldn't want to live there.

  2. YEAH!!! Your back in full form! I loved it! I love the Gobama shirt. That is amazing! Soon im getting ready to have an Obama-que, its like a BBQ but everyone wears their Obama Shirts!
    Thanks Again!

  3. haha I love it! I'm looking forward to part II!!

  4. I'm just excited about the new shorts your Mom bought you, so I won't be sad that you don't have z-coil shoes.

    I think speedos probably always follow the scissors principle.

    What a funny boyfriend I have.

  5. You forgot to mention that you kissed VanGoh's self-portrait. But perhaps the z coil shoes and/or Daisy Dukes rounded out by vacationing housewives were more memorable? Also: there was a rhinstone in the bottom of the suitcase you borrowed from us.